Perfectly Imperfect

In my experience as a Psychotherapist and Life Coach, I have heard essentially the same desire coming from the mouth of every client. After each individual or couple plops down on the couch or chair and purges their story, each and every time, the final statement they make before expecting me to chime in, solve their every problem and make the 45 minutes they spend with me feel worth the $150 they just paid is, “Janell, I just want to be happy.” Afterward, I immediately ask them to describe what that entails. After staring at me with a look that says, “Aren’t I paying you to tell me that?” they rattle off a response that generally involves an expectation for others to adapt to them, accepting them as they are without criticism or objection and to meet their needs whether they’ve effectively communicated those needs or not. Now, I’m not sure that most members of our society are soothsayers who can just know what it is that everyone needs in every moment, nor am I certain that everyone even wants to put forth their personal efforts to ensure the needs of others are met first.
Well…maybe there are some martyring soothsayers out there, but I’d bet the most recent Powerball winnings that if they’re out there, they are very few and even farther between. The thing is, it is difficult to expect others to fully accept us when we have not yet done so ourselves, but learning to love and accept oneself is easier than you think.

Ask Yourself

Identifying one’s idea of happiness is the first thing that must be done in effort to move toward being truly happy. The goal is to define happiness for yourself (sans Merriam Webster’s influence) and ask yourself the question: “What do I really want?” With all of my knowledge, personal and professional experience and years of (seemingly never-ending) education in the fields of Psychology, Social Work, Sociology and Metaphysics, I find that what we are constantly striving for is perfection whether we call it that or not. We’re either seeking to achieve perfection in our own eyes or in the eyes of others. I’m wondering why it took me all those years of schooling and work to arrive at that, but nevertheless, it is what I have deduced. The issue is that nobody’s perfect in the eyes of others, so if your pursuit of happiness involves pleasing anyone else, you’re creating a world of disappointment for yourself. Perfection itself is an imperfect term because each individuals’ idea of perfection is different, unique and ever-changing.  No one could possibly live up to everyone’s idea of perfection. Therefore, the constant striving to achieve it for someone else’s stamp of approval is futile. Constantly burdening oneself to reach the ideals of others is a fight that is impossible to win. Rather, it is more beneficial to identify what makes you happy– independent of any external people, places or things.

Who Are YOU?

Get to know you. Introduce yourself to yourself. Separate your likes and dislikes from those of others in your life. Ensure that your thoughts are purely your own, and if they were influenced by others, that you truly are in full agreement with those notions. Refuse to compete with or compare yourself to others.  You are uniquely you and no one else can do what you are meant to do. You are your only competition. Figure out what it is that you really love. Not what your best friend or your parents or your siblings or your boss or your kids or your significant other loves, but what YOU really LOVE. List those things and begin to highlight them by making time and space for those things in your life. This is perfection:

Knowing what you like, love, approve of, care about, etc., valuing those things whether others do or not, and demonstrating how you value those things on a regular basis and experiencing the joy they bring to your life all without bringing any hurt, harm or danger to anyone else in the process. Perfection is fully accepting your true inner being for who it is, highlighting its most glorious qualities and adoring them because they are the true essence of what makes you perfect.

As long as you’re striving to fit into the restraints of others’ expectations, as long as you try to force yourself into society’s idea of what you are or should be based on color, class or financial status, weight, sexual preference, profession or appearance, you will remain perfectly imperfect. You must make the decision to blaze your trail to happiness in your very own way, the way that satisfies you. Only you can define perfection and only you can become your own idea of perfection, so placing the burden of meeting your expectations on others when it conflicts with their desires is unfair to say the least.  Place your focus on putting forth the effort to reach your goals, dedicating time to those things that you love and expecting results from only YOU.  By doing so, you’ll find yourself feeling more and more perfect in every moment and before long, you’ll be adding the words “except me” to the end of the old adage, “Nobody’s perfect.”