Mini Message: Why Twinkle and Beam?

The answer is simple.  Everyone is a star, unique, dynamic and sparkling in Divine perfection. No one and nothing can dim your Light. It is innate and indestructible. Our only job is to own it by shining it brightly and teaching others to do the same. It's the only way to brighten our world. 

So do what you know within you is necessary to find your Light and shine it bright!  

Twinkle and beam, Starlights!  No one can shine like you!

Love always, 

J*

Appointments Available Now! Schedule Today!

Ready to twinkle and beam your way to a new you? You can schedule today! I know it's been a while since I've opened my schedule to take on new clients, but I've made room in my schedule to help those of you who are finally ready to see some incredible and magical changes take place in your lives! 

I have evening and weekend appointments available in late April and May in my Largo, Maryland office or online via Skype! If you mention this ad when you schedule, you can receive 10% off your first session or service bundle! Click the Coach Me tab or visit www.janellmorgan.com to see my menu of services and schedule your appointment today!  

I'm looking forward to helping you to shine your light super bright!  Let's do this!

Until then....

Twinkle and Beam, Starlights!

J*

The Risk to Blossom

We don't often consider this, but there is risk both in complacency and the pursuit of our dreams. There is a level of discomfort in both as we trod through the adjustments of attempting to find fulfillment in the unsatisfactory or making the physical, psychological and emotional shifts necessary to propel ourselves in the directions of what has only been seen in our imaginations. Though both involve discomfort, the difference in dream pursuit is the existence of faith and hope. These intangible energies fuel all motivation and keep us inspired to take action consistently until the goal is reached. It is our responsibility to routinely fill our hearts, minds and imaginations with an influx of thoughts that feed our faith and hope so that we cross the finish lines of our dreams with our heads and arms raised in triumph and gratitude! 

 

Here's to taking the risk to blossom! 

 

Twinkle and Beam, Starlights!

 

J* 

 

 

Poisonous People

I liken life to be much like a bountiful buffet.  My favorite part of any buffet is the dessert bar (although my dedication to clean eating forbids me from routinely partaking in such delights).  A dessert bar is usually full of decadent treats like rich fudge brownies, German chocolate and pineapple upside down cakes, pies and cobblers, tarts, fresh fruit salads, parfaits, creamy cheesecakes (my personal favorite) and fluffy tiramisu.  Just imagine yourself standing in front of that dessert bar facing all of those mouth-watering choices.  Mmmmmmm.......which would you choose?  Now, imagine yourself having chosen your favorite dessert and taking the little plate off the buffet and walking to your dinner table.  You sit down ready to dive in, but just before you do, take that same delicious dessert and sprinkle a healthy portion of rat poisoning all over it.  Take your fork, and dig in. With each bite, you are slowly making yourself sicker and sicker.  From an emotional standpoint, this is the exactly what happens when we spend time with poisonous people.  Yes, in general, these are people we love, respect or care a great deal for, but with every interaction with these individuals, we begin to feel less and less like who we truly are, walking away from each interaction feeling emotionally exhausted and depleted.  In real life, our buffet of poisonous people is chock full of blamers and shamers, critics, gossipers and haters.  But just as we have the power to choose our decadent desserts, we also have the same ability to choose how we interact with these people who can be so detrimental to our emotional health. 

Is my relationship toxic?

Have you ever wondered if you're in a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship?  Wonder no more.  Here are a few clues to determining whether you’re involved in a poisonous partnership:

·       If you feel completely humiliated, embarrassed or disrespected when you're with a certain person or people.

·       You walk away from a conversation or interaction with a person completely exhausted and drained.  

·       You don’t feel like you are truly accepted for who you are when you’re with this person.

·       You feel you have to “walk on eggshells” when you communicate with this person.

·       You have found yourself having to take a deep, cleansing breath or give yourself a pep talk before seeing this person or answering their phone calls.

·       Just the thought of interacting with this person makes you cringe, feel sad, tired, annoyed or angry.

·       You just want to avoid this person altogether. 

If anyone came to mind as you read those clues, 1.) I'd hate to be them, and 2.) more than likely the person you're spending time with is a poisonous person and undoubtedly the relationship you have with them is toxic.  Oh, but never to worry, you're not alone.  Just about everyone has or has had a person like this in their life.  Poisonous people play a variety of roles and they can show up as friends, colleagues, significant others and even our own family members.  Believe it or not, there are healthy and effective ways of dealing with these sorts of personalities.  

Friend or Foe?

It’s always time to re-examine friendships when you may feel there is an imbalance with regard to the level of exchange in the relationship.  Whether the friendship is plutonic or romantic in nature, it is never healthy to feel that you’re giving more than you’re receiving.  Moreover, if the relationship causes you to feel insulted or depleted in any way, it’s even more important to determine whether this relationship is worth staying in.  For example, if your friend talks more about his/her life than he/she listens to your issues, he/she interrupts you to share more about him/herself, he/she is not accessible when you need to vent yet you’re always there for him/her, or if he/she puts you down, calls you names, compares you to others or even how you used to be, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship.  Friendships can be assets in life, but more important than the physical presence of a “friend” is the feeling derived from the friendship.  Defining what a true friend is and comparing your friend’s characteristics to that ideal can be an enlightening means of determining whether a friendship or intimate relationship is worth continuing.

Family Fiend

One of the most difficult types of poisonous people to grapple with is the poisonous family member.  These relationships are especially challenging because as a general rule, it is not as feasible to detach from relatives as it is with people with whom there is no familial bond.  Unlike friends or significant others, relatives are not people we have consciously chosen to have in our lives (although, I can pretty much guarantee we've all had a moment wherein we’ve wished we could’ve had our pick) and therefore, being forced to cope with the difficult personality of a family member is far more challenging because one often feels obligated to make these relationships work under all circumstances.  Family members can often be the most poisonous people of all in our lives because they are generally with us from the beginning.  They’re often the ones by which we most want to be accepted and they’re the ones who assist in the shaping of our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and others.  Because family members know your history, they may make statements in attempt to keep you tied to the person they know.  Statements like, “you always have been…” or “you’ll never do that like your brother/sister/cousin, etc.” when you’re putting forth effort to become who/what you want to be can be defeating if you allow it.  If you find that when you spend time with these family members you’re feeling any of the symptoms of a toxic relationship, it may be time to examine this relationship and whether your approach to your interactions with this person is healthy.   

Ready to detox?

Once you come to the realization that your relationship with someone is toxic, you’re faced with the challenge of deciding whether the relationship is worth working through or if it’s time to call it quits.  When making the decision to detox, keep in mind that you have been tied to this person for a reason and it may take you some time to detach and heal from the trauma endured throughout this relationship.  Ask yourself, " Do I feel like I want to fix it or nix it?"  If you decide the relationship is worth fixing, then you’ll have to approach this person from a solution-oriented stance.  You must first accept and understand that this person treated you this way because you allowed them to do so without consequence and be committed to leaving the emotional hurts in the past and begin to redefine the way you want your relationship to feel moving forward.  This part may require the help of a professional counselor, therapist or life coach to fully understand your pattern of behavior and your past choice to accept what you deem unacceptable.  Next, identify how you want to feel when you’re with this person and based on this answer, determine what behaviors you both must engage in in order to allow this feeling to be ignited.  Communicate with this person openly and honestly indicating how you felt in the past, what behaviors they formerly exhibited and what behaviors you feel will be necessary for them to engage in in order for you to feel emotionally safe with them. Consistent, open communication is truly the only way to successfully heal any fractured relationship. 

If you choose to nix it, be fully committed to that choice.  It is never a good idea to have one foot in the door and the other foot out.  This sort of stance is confusing not only for you, but also for the poisonous partner, and it leaves the door wide open for you to be hurt again.  Would you leave the front door to your house open for a known burglar to come in?  If you answered yes to that question, there are some concerns existing that this article will never be able to address.  Most folks would surely answer no.  Leaving your emotional doors open to people who have caused you pain once you have decided you no longer want this sort of unhealthy tie, is license to allow them to perpetrate again and again.  If the choice is to nix it, let the relationship go, mentally picture yourself sticking one of those lime green Mr. Yuck stickers on the person as you send them packing and move forward open to accepting new, healthy and edifying relationships in your life.  Define what a healthy relationship is and commit to only engaging in what you’ve defined as healthy.  When it comes to detoxing from familial ties, open communication about your feelings is also key, but as much as possible, limit your interaction with your poisonous relatives or if you have to be around them, shift the topic of discussion to something that is more acceptable for you to discuss.  Make it clear by refusing to engage in negative conversation that their behavior is not something you will continue to tolerate.  Your response to the undesired behavior is the key to shifting it in the right direction.

Recognizing when you’re in a toxic relationship is not always easy.  It is important in any relationship to always check in with yourself to determine if you’re still present as who you want to be which, at times, can be very different from who you’re accustomed to being.  Performing these periodic check-ins helps to make us aware and motivates us to take action when relationships begin to become unhealthy for us.  When it comes to the relationships we’re in, we must remember that choosing people to keep close to us also means that we are choosing outcomes.  What types of people are you choosing to share your life with, those that will help you to sink or those that will help you to soar?   Choose wisely and accept from others only what is acceptable for you.  Take your emotions into your own hands and treat them like gold.  It is your responsibility to teach others how you want to be treated.  The way that others treat you is a direct reflection of the way you treat yourself.

 

If you or someone you know needs help with a relationship, contact a friend or family member you trust, a clergyman, a counselor, or call your local hospital or mental health center.  If you are in imminent danger, help is available at The National Domestic Violence Hotline, (800) 799-SAFE, where someone can put you in touch with safe housing and other resources or by dialing 911 or visiting your local emergency room.

Be safe, Starlights!

Twinkle & Beam!
J* 

 

Thought for Today: Pressure Makes Diamonds

When things feel the most difficult, this is your opportunity to rely on your inner connection to God to create the change you wish to experience. These moments require centering and calming your mind and body through controlled, steady deep breathing (inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth), making conscious effort to concentrate on an alternative, more desirable thought, and intentional, frequent prayer for peace and for your desire to be manifested.

Though at times we cannot understand why we must experience the challenges we face, these opportunities are lessons from which we are intended to elevate to amazing sparkly, shiny, diamond-like blinging new levels. Pressure is what creates diamonds, n'est-ce pas?

Express equal gratitude for your challenges and your triumphs. In time, you will see the fruits of your faith. I wish each of you peace of mind and expeditious attraction of your desires!

Twinkle and Beam, Starlights!

I love you!

J*

Thought for Today: Scared of the Dream

Making choices can be scary, especially when we're uncertain of how things will pan out.  Usually, the reason we're deciding to make the choice in the first place is because we're hoping for promising outcomes. Take hold of your thoughts and don't lose sight of the hope. 

Our dreams are promises that are undoubtedly ours if we choose to actively pursue them.  Yes, pursuing them can feel scary, especially if you are constantly thinking of the possibility of negative outcomes, but if you're pursuing your dreams with the knowledge that you're promised your desired outcome, there's no longer a need for fear. 

Trust in yourself and in the power of your thoughts.  Allow that trust to fuel your decision-making and move forward without hesitation or regret.  Do what you would do if you knew for certain that everything would be just fine on the other side of your decision.  Go for it!  It will be okay.  It will be SO MUCH better than okay!  Trust me.  God promises!

Along Came a Spider

I came across this blurb that I wrote yesterday, and thought it was great!  Thought I'd share:

During the last few weeks, I’ve noticed that I’ve been coming across a good number of spiders.  Weird. I know.  It all started during my meditation a few weeks back.  Just after dawn, I went to the garden at the Washington National Cathedral with a close friend, looking forward to beginning my day with a peaceful meditation.  As we walked through the garden, my friend pointed out a spider perched neatly in her web appearing as though she was waiting, observing or studying even.  The spider was very still and focused, so still in fact that I had to look twice to actually see her.  In her web, in the garden, she was beautiful and perfect.  While in the garden that day, I saw quite a few spiders crawling about, weaving their webs, wrapping their prey, carrying their eggs.  They were all very busy and intent upon their tasks, and they all possessed a graceful regality that could not go unnoticed.

Later that same week, while visiting my parents, I saw another spider, this one very small, but sturdy
and strong looking, crawling on my parent’s storm door.  I observed it for a while, but didn’t pay it as
much attention as I did the others I encountered as I was distracted by the conversation with my family.  The spider stayed there on the door the whole time I visited and chatted with my parents on the front porch.  I actively avoided this one.  It was just a little too close in proximity for me, a self-proclaimed arachnophobe, unlike the ones in the garden.

A few days after visiting with my parents, I went to the grocery store with my family.  After shopping, we came out to the car and a large burgundy-hued spider was dangling from the car spinning a large, elaborate web a la the film, Charlotte’s Web.  The web was so large it extended from the rear wiper blade to the bumper of the car.  It was so detailed and extensive, I was certain that I would be able to find words written in it like “radiant” or “some pig” even, but alas, no words.  I guess only Charlotte can do that which, I must admit, was a little disappointing.   Over the next couple of weeks, I was noticing spiders so often, I was beginning to understand how Little Miss Muffet must have felt.  Spiders were literally showing up EVERYWHERE—in my office, at home, on my car, even in my dreams.  One night, I dreamed that I pulled a spider out of my son’s mouth.  Yikes!  (Eyebrow raise.  Sigh.) This was beginning to be all too much for me to bear!

Spiders were showing up so frequently, that I decided that this couldn’t possibly be a coincidence and
there must be a greater meaning to the spider’s frequent (and somewhat uncomfortable) presence in
my life.  I had to consult Google.  I started off looking at pictures of spiders and really observing their
physical details.  I noticed their eight eyes and eight legs and considered the representation of
beginnings I knew to be associated with the number.  I also considered the fact that when the
number 8 is turned on its side, it becomes the symbol for infinity, which, to me, represents never-ending time, potential and opportunity for evolution and refinement.  The spider became even more interesting to me, and I decided to search for the metaphysical significance of the spider online.  I found tons of information about the significance of not only spiders, but also of other animals and insects.

Regarding the spider, I found that it represents mystery, power and growth.  The spider’s innate ability to weave its multipurpose web (which serves as the spider’s home, food storage, egg incubator, and more) represents mankind’s ability to weave or create its own lives through our choices.  A spider’s presence is a reminder that we should be mindful of our decisions and consider how our choices affect us in all aspects of our lives.  We should ask ourselves, “How can my choices improve my life?” and “How are my choices impacting others?”  The spider’s ability to shape and manipulate her web represents our ability to use our minds to shape our thoughts in a way that is constructive to our being. We have the ability to design a life for ourselves, just as a spider designs her web, through the power of our thoughts and actions.  Additionally, the spider does all of its work with limited attachment to its web despite the fact that the web serves so many integral purposes for it.  In one swoop, a spider’s web can be destroyed, but never does a spider dismay.  Completely detached from any outcomes or expectations for the way things should happen, the spider carries on, embracing the mystery of each moment, fully aware and confident that all will be well, and completely reconstructs its web with the same diligence and commitment as it had with the previous web.  In contrast, we often become discouraged when one plan doesn’t pan out, and we’ll half-heartedly pursue an alternative plan.  Such half-hearted attempts are destined to be unsuccessful, and we tend to become disappointed again and again, repeating a viciously disheartening cycle.

The spider teaches a marvelous lesson.  Our lives are webs woven from our decisions, thoughts and
actions.  If we choose to view those decisions, thoughts and actions as tools, we can learn how to
effectively utilize them to construct a life that we can enjoy and be proud of.  Now when I see a spider, instead of running, screaming or jumping into a chair, I smile and take that moment to consider what efforts in my life can be enhanced in order to see what I desire come to fruition. Seeing that all that I encounter in my life offers me a lesson, I’m no longer as fearful of spiders as before.   Nonetheless, I have to admit, while I appreciate their presence and their message, I still keep my distance.

The BEST!

So, finally, my hometown has confirmed what I've known all along!  I'm the BEST!  I've been telling my boyfriend this for years, but....I digress.  Today, I actually received a press release confirming it.  I mean, I know I'm pretty awesome, but a press release?  Wow! 

It seems the town of Largo, Maryland where my private practice is based has awarded me with the 2013 Best of Largo Award for Psychotherapists!!!  This is amazing news!  I feel so honored that I'm being recognized by the clients that I've served as well as professionals in my community for the quality of services that I provide.  I'm super honored that what I do is appreciated and I'm even more driven to continue this work and even greater things! 

Thank you all for the love, appreciation and support!  I hope to take my healing work to even greater heights!

I'm twinkling and beaming crazy bright today, and as always, I'm hoping the same for you, Starlights!

J*

AKA (Also known as)

The BEST!

Resolution Evolution

Happy New Year!  What a wonderful time!  This is the perfect time and opportunity to make a difference in your life.  So, what is your goal?  Wait!  Before you even state it, let’s ensure that you are fully equipped with the ability to stick to it this year.  If you’ve had any difficulty following through with your resolutions in the past, this year, your primary resolution should be to stick to your resolution once and for all!  How, you ask?  Good question.

 Studies show that many set resolutions to stick to, but find that by mid-February to early March of the same year, most if not all have abandoned the resolutions they’ve so earnestly set forth for the year.   Why is this?  It’s easy to make a statement and hope for the best.  The tough part is the implementation of the goal.  Many people rush into their resolutions full throttle without establishing a plan to ensure that the goal gets accomplished, and once they get started, keeping up with the goal nearly feels like the possibility of 12-month long sentence, and they opt to abandon it often feeling the ambivalence of liberation and freedom from the sentence and guilt or disappointment for giving up prematurely or failing.  2014 will NOT be the year that we let our resolutions fall by the wayside.  With this 5-step process, we’ll enter this decade with optimism and the tools to ensure that we all finally reach our goals! 

 Be Specific

When formulating your resolution, think with specificity.  Avoid only arriving at a goal.  Go further to describe how you intend to accomplish it.  It isn’t enough to say that I want to lose weight or I want to make new friends.  Making your resolution a specific statement such as, “I will lose 20 pounds by becoming more physically active and consuming healthy, nutrient-rich foods,” or “I will establish new friendships by visiting new places and initiating conversations with people that I do not know,” literally calls into being the thing that you want while simultaneously giving you tasks to perform in effort to accomplish your goal.  Without a plan to ensure that the goal actually gets accomplished, you’ll more than likely fail to accomplish the goal.    

 

Set Realistic Mini-goals

Once you’ve come up with your resolution statement, go even further and begin creating a plan to carry it out.  Develop a list of mini goals that can be accomplished throughout the year at your pace.  The overall goal of starting a new business venture, losing weight or getting out of debt can seem to be quite daunting when you consider doing them all at once or even within just one year, but it doesn’t have to be daunting or intimidating at all.  Take these goals and break them down into steps.  If the goal is to start a new business, consider what steps will be involved in this endeavor and allow for a realistic timeline to complete each goal.  Your list should include items such as, “Research the process of securing a business license by 1/31/2014.”  This gives you something that can be accomplished fairly easily and a time frame in which to complete it.  Creating this list not only allows you to see all that is involved in the process of reaching your goals, it also allows you to track your progress.  Seeing steady progress is a huge reward!  Whether your goal is large or small, it is always very encouraging to feel you’re moving just a little closer to it on a regular basis.

 

Be Flexible

If your standards for yourself are too rigid, your goal may begin to feel like a chore, and I don’t know anyone who enjoys doing chores.  Start slowly.  Rome wasn’t built in a day, and let’s face it, you didn’t become who you are in a day either.  It will take time to kick your old habits and start new ones, so allow yourself some flexibility to learn the best path to your goal.  If you go off track, don’t feel guilty or criticize yourself.  Allow yourself room to be human.   After all, who says the New Year is the only time to begin working toward a resolution?  Check in with yourself regularly to determine how much you’ve progressed.  Mark your calendar for a mid-year update and if necessary, set a mid-year (or even a late year) resolution that gets you back on track to meeting your goal.  So what if you started off with can-do attitude and by mid-February your motivation has fizzled and your shiny new resolution was swept under the rug or maybe even out the door.  You still have time…don’t you?  As long as you collect yourself and get back on track, you’re still making progress.

 

Support Yourself

Even the most successful individuals have a support system.  Tell a supportive friend, family member or co-worker about your new goal or solicit the help of a professional working in the area in which you desire to progress  (i.e., a life coach, therapist, personal trainer, accountant, etc.) or join a group of people interested in accomplishing the same or a similar goal.  The more positive people in your life that can hold you accountable and encourage you in the process, the more likely you’ll be to feel confident in your pursuit.  Steer clear of sharing your goal with people who may criticize you if they notice you going off track if this is offensive to you.  Feeling as though you’re under a microscope is yet another way to heighten pressure.  This process should be new and exciting, not anxiety-provoking.  Ensure that you’re making choices that you’re confident you can commit to.  Also, avoid choosing to engage in any activity in which you cannot afford to invest adequate time or money.  If you find your time or financial resources running low, you’ll kick your new habit even faster than you started it. 

 

Have Fun!

Let’s face it, if it isn’t fun, oftentimes, we don’t feel it’s worth doing.  There are tons of different paths to a destination.  So, if weight loss is your goal and you hate the gym, avoid it at all costs, but don’t abandon your goal because of your disdain for the treadmill and elliptical.  There are plenty of creative ways to get active.  Take a yoga class or walk a trail in your neighborhood.  Surf online for free workouts via You Tube or pop your favorite CD in the player and dance the night away.  If you want to make new friends, determine the types of people you’d like to meet and strategically choose exciting places you’ve never visited (but maybe always wanted to), go there and strike up conversations to meet new and interesting people.  There is ALWAYS more than one solution.  So, make it easy on yourself by choosing ways to bring your resolution to fruition that are fun for you.  If you don’t enjoy yourself in the process, you’re more likely to call it quits before the goal is accomplished.  If you’re having a ball doing it, you’ll fall in love with the process and stick to it far longer thereby significantly increasing the likelihood of ultimately reaching your goal.

 

The simple thought of failure often cripples us by playing over and over again in our minds.  Before long, failure, not the identified goal, becomes the dominant thought, and the beautiful outcome of achieving that awesome new goal fades to the background.  The key to achieving our goals is allowing the goal, not our fears, to be in the forefront and establishing awesome new habits that are in alignment with our goals which, unfortunately, is often the part that is overlooked.  Often, if we don’t see progress immediately, we become overwhelmed with disappointment and highly frustrated.   In the process of change, we must be gentle and patient with ourselves.  It took us time to become the people that we are, so, realistically, it will take us time to develop, implement and master new habits to move in the desired direction.  With diligence, faith, self-love, creativity and flexibility, we’ll be certain to see the greatest of our dreams come true! 

Best of luck to you and best wishes for a happy and fulfilling New Year!  Shine your Light super bright and make 2014 SPARKLE & GLEAM!!!!

Twinkle & beam, Starlights!

J*

Watch Your Step!

A while back, I was walking to the Metro station and was stopped by an older woman (that I would see each morning) who said that she noticed that I'd always look down and appear very concerned when I am walking. She proceeded to tell me that I should have a greater deal of esteem and that I shouldn't look down. She said I "should hold [my] head up high and look at all that God has made." I smiled and first thanked her for both her concern and her encouragement and expressed that I agree that all that God has made is indeed beautiful. We both smiled in awe of that simple thought, and I proceeded to explain that I wasn't looking down because I have low esteem or because I'm feeling down-trodden, I look down because I am actually watching out for what God has made. I'm looking down because I don't want to step on the ants who are doing God's work just as I was going to work to care for my family.

I realize that we all have duties and responsibilities and just because I was bigger in size didn't mean that my responsibilities are more significant than those smaller than I.  Each day, I'd watch the ants working diligently to move rocks and crumbs and whatever else they'd set their sights on. I'd walk cautiously, intentionally in effort to avoid crushing the little bugs beneath my feet. I wasn't sad, or depressed or overwhelmed by the pressures of life as the elderly woman had assumed. In my short lifetime, I've been blessed to have experiences that have helped me to find that everything we need to see or care for isn't always at eye level or above us. Some of the most significant lessons we must learn or things we must see are what we consider to be beneath us. It is helpful to look around us to completely to see all that is there because as much as we may want to believe it doesn't, it ALL matters. So, if/when you see someone looking down, try not to assume that they are down on themselves or something is wrong with them. Perhaps they just don't want to kill the ants.

Perfectly Imperfect

In my experience as a Psychotherapist and Life Coach, I have heard essentially the same desire coming from the mouth of every client. After each individual or couple plops down on the couch or chair and purges their story, each and every time, the final statement they make before expecting me to chime in, solve their every problem and make the 45 minutes they spend with me feel worth the $150 they just paid is, “Janell, I just want to be happy.” Afterward, I immediately ask them to describe what that entails. After staring at me with a look that says, “Aren’t I paying you to tell me that?” they rattle off a response that generally involves an expectation for others to adapt to them, accepting them as they are without criticism or objection and to meet their needs whether they’ve effectively communicated those needs or not. Now, I’m not sure that most members of our society are soothsayers who can just know what it is that everyone needs in every moment, nor am I certain that everyone even wants to put forth their personal efforts to ensure the needs of others are met first.
Well…maybe there are some martyring soothsayers out there, but I’d bet the most recent Powerball winnings that if they’re out there, they are very few and even farther between. The thing is, it is difficult to expect others to fully accept us when we have not yet done so ourselves, but learning to love and accept oneself is easier than you think.

Ask Yourself

Identifying one’s idea of happiness is the first thing that must be done in effort to move toward being truly happy. The goal is to define happiness for yourself (sans Merriam Webster’s influence) and ask yourself the question: “What do I really want?” With all of my knowledge, personal and professional experience and years of (seemingly never-ending) education in the fields of Psychology, Social Work, Sociology and Metaphysics, I find that what we are constantly striving for is perfection whether we call it that or not. We’re either seeking to achieve perfection in our own eyes or in the eyes of others. I’m wondering why it took me all those years of schooling and work to arrive at that, but nevertheless, it is what I have deduced. The issue is that nobody’s perfect in the eyes of others, so if your pursuit of happiness involves pleasing anyone else, you’re creating a world of disappointment for yourself. Perfection itself is an imperfect term because each individuals’ idea of perfection is different, unique and ever-changing.  No one could possibly live up to everyone’s idea of perfection. Therefore, the constant striving to achieve it for someone else’s stamp of approval is futile. Constantly burdening oneself to reach the ideals of others is a fight that is impossible to win. Rather, it is more beneficial to identify what makes you happy– independent of any external people, places or things.

Who Are YOU?

Get to know you. Introduce yourself to yourself. Separate your likes and dislikes from those of others in your life. Ensure that your thoughts are purely your own, and if they were influenced by others, that you truly are in full agreement with those notions. Refuse to compete with or compare yourself to others.  You are uniquely you and no one else can do what you are meant to do. You are your only competition. Figure out what it is that you really love. Not what your best friend or your parents or your siblings or your boss or your kids or your significant other loves, but what YOU really LOVE. List those things and begin to highlight them by making time and space for those things in your life. This is perfection:

Knowing what you like, love, approve of, care about, etc., valuing those things whether others do or not, and demonstrating how you value those things on a regular basis and experiencing the joy they bring to your life all without bringing any hurt, harm or danger to anyone else in the process. Perfection is fully accepting your true inner being for who it is, highlighting its most glorious qualities and adoring them because they are the true essence of what makes you perfect.

As long as you’re striving to fit into the restraints of others’ expectations, as long as you try to force yourself into society’s idea of what you are or should be based on color, class or financial status, weight, sexual preference, profession or appearance, you will remain perfectly imperfect. You must make the decision to blaze your trail to happiness in your very own way, the way that satisfies you. Only you can define perfection and only you can become your own idea of perfection, so placing the burden of meeting your expectations on others when it conflicts with their desires is unfair to say the least.  Place your focus on putting forth the effort to reach your goals, dedicating time to those things that you love and expecting results from only YOU.  By doing so, you’ll find yourself feeling more and more perfect in every moment and before long, you’ll be adding the words “except me” to the end of the old adage, “Nobody’s perfect.”

In Lieu of the Tattoo

As a kid, I couldn’t wait until I turned 18.  I had it all planned out.  I was going to the tattoo shop on Baltimore Avenue in College Park, Maryland to have a treble clef tattooed on my shoulder blade.  Or was it my foot?  Hmmm…Maybe it was my ankle.  I can’t remember, but back then, I was quite confident that I was going to be a professional musician and I wanted, correction, I needed to be inked to ensure that my goal was brought to fruition.

Evidence of tattooing dates as far back as the Neolithic era (9500 BC).  Historically, depending on the culture of the beholder, tattoos have served as rites of passage, marks of status and rank, symbols of religious and spiritual devotion, decorations for bravery, sexual lures and/or marks of fertility, pledges of love, punishment, amulets and talismans, protection, and as the marks of outcasts, slaves and prisoners.  Tattoos even served as instruments of healing when applied to acupuncture points on the body in some cultures.  Regardless of the purpose of the tattoo, it is common that tattoos held great significance for those who wore them.    Now, in Western culture, tattoos have gained a great deal of popularity and are generally sought for cosmetic reasons and recognized as symbols for self expression and the attainment of enhanced beautification.  The decision to tat or not to tat is one that nearly every individual emerging from puberty in the millenium will consider in his or her lifetime, but does tattooing really make us more beautiful or make the symbol, photo or concept with which one is adorned any more significant in our lives?  Why so often are we apt to change the external to become closer to what we wish to be than the internal aspects of ourselves?  The obvious answer is that it’s easier, but is it really?  Let’s closely examine...

To get a tattoo, there are a number of steps that must be taken:

1.     Identify a good tattoo parlor or artist because no one wants a sloppy tat job.

2.     Choose a design with significance that one would be willing to see on his or her body every
        day perhaps for the rest of their lives.

3.     Be prepped for the application of the art.

4.     Have the design outlined with ink and (if the recipient can endure the physical pain at the time)
        have the design filled through the process of creating a wound beneath the surface layers of the
        skin and penetrating the wound with black or colored permanent ink.

5.     Endure physical (and possible emotional) pain and trauma associated with the tattoo for a short
        time period, treat the wound with a special ointment and work to avoid infection during the
        healing process.

6.     Finally enjoy the beautiful body art (well, at least we hope it turns out as beautifully as we
        imagined) you’ve elected to have etched onto your body.

7.     Maintain your art by re-inking, adding to it, covering it or having it removed.

So, there seem to be seven steps to undergo in effort to beautify ourselves through tattooing.  What stands out for me is the fact that in the process, one must be willing to endure a degree of physical pain and/or discomfort for days and in some cases even weeks and risk permanent scarring and/or infection.  This forces me to ask the question, in the name of inner beauty, why aren’t we just as likely to suffer the emotional pains of adjustment to shift our thoughts and habits from the unhealthy to the healthy?  To begin seeing positive change in our thoughts and actions, there are three simple steps (none of which involve any physical pain, unless you’re a masochist and find pleasure in the pursuits of physical trauma):

1.     Think a new, healthier thought.

2.     Believe that what you desire for yourself is a possibility.

3.     Take action that supports what you desire in your life.

Three.  Simple.  Steps.  So why not take them?   Good question.  People have the tendency to gravitate toward the familiar.  They are comfortable with predictable outcomes.  What they know, they understand, and they tend to seek to maintain this level of stability in their lives even though the very situations that they keep themselves pinned to, they often claim to loathe.  Very seldom do people elect to stretch themselves emotionally.  People have the tendency to believe emotional hurts are far more painful and less likely to heal than physical ones.  The truth is that emotional pain is far more controllable than physical pain.  Emotional pain can be resolved by simply choosing to change a thought.  That’s right!   You have a choice in the matter—to hurt or not to hurt.  You can choose to think in a way that is detrimental to your emotional and mental health or in a manner that supports its enhancement.  For example, in step one, I can choose to believe "I am unattractive and overweight" or I can choose to believe that "I am beautiful and fit."  Once the choice is made, I must then decide to believe (step two) that being beautiful and fit is a realistic possibility for me.  This belief can be supported by defining what beauty and fitness mean for me and identifying action words (verbs) that I can implement to bring to life the qualities of beauty and fitness that I believe are possible for me.  Once I’ve identified my verbs, I can take step three and begin to act in a way that supports what I wish to be in life, beautiful and fit.   This process requires the discomfort of adjusting to the process of breaking the cycle of habit (which may take a bit longer than it takes to be tattooed), but it allows for a lasting change that never wrinkles, droops, sags or fades with age or time.

So, rather than enduring the sadistic process of being tattooed to illustrate one’s beauty, you can choose to radiate beauty or whatever quality you wish for yourself from the inside out.  All of the qualities that you wish to exude can be illustrated by your decision to implement this three-step process.   Ultimately, the decision of what to do in lieu of that tattoo is yours.  What will it be?






A variation of this article was previously published in FACE Magazine's September 2010 issue.

Beware of the Jabberwocky

Beware of the Jabberwocky
August 2010

Recently, I had the pleasure of watching the Disney movie, Alice in Wonderland, starring Johnny Depp. I was highly entertained by the humor and whimsy captured in the film and also by the interesting use of metaphors for the circumstances that occur in the wonderlands that we all call our lives.

Those metaphors forced me to examine those circumstances that brought forth challenges in my own life and the types of emotions that were driving them. In the film, the main character, Alice, fell into a hole and entered a fantasy land full of curious personalities and circumstances. The land was ruled by the evil Red Queen who had taken power over the land after winning a battle fought against her sister, the White Queen, after seizing the White Queen’s magical sword. Alice was lured to the land to assist the White Queen in regaining rule over the land, but the only way of doing so was to fight and conquer the Red Queen’s most powerful and fearsome warrior, the Jabberwocky.

Alice, intimidated by the size and notoriously known power of the beast, doubted her ability to face and ultimately conquer it. She was unable to see that her ability to do so lied purely in her desire, her thoughts and her beliefs in her own innate strength. Alice was willing and able to overcome a number of small victories throughout the film, one resulting in securing the White Queen’s magical sword and returning it to its rightful owner; however, when it came to her willingness face the Jabberwocky, she was fearful and did not believe she would be able to be successful in slaying it.

Ultimately, Alice gathered the gumption to face the Jabberwocky, and to her surprise, was successful in slaying him. The White Queen regained power over the land and everyone lived happily ever after.

Now, I realize that things in real life generally aren’t quite as whimsical, yet nonetheless, I was inspired by Alice’s courage and bravery, and was prompted to begin identifying the Jabberwockies that existed in my own life, and asserted that certainly others must be faced by their own gigantic, winged, fire-breathing beasts that keep them contained in cyclical patterns of negative thoughts, behaviors and outcomes by which they surely feel imprisoned.

I reached for my sword (in my case, a Swarovski crystal encrusted ink pen) and prepared for battle (on a leather-bound paper battlefield). I faced each Jabberwocky head on by carefully devising a plan to slay them through the power of my thoughts and actions. Each Jabberwocky was operationalized and I identified character traits within myself that would be necessary to develop to outsmart, pin, and ultimately slay the fearful creature. I developed affirmations to keep myself encouraged as the animal charged nearer and nearer to me with obvious intent to do me nothing but harm, and I carefully selected verbs that I would perform regularly to tackle the scale-covered fiend.

Putting my plan into action on a near daily basis has been a challenge to say the least. I haven’t yet slayed all of my Jabberwockies, and I’m sure that as I evolve in this life, I will encounter others, but I have found a great deal of pride, joy and fulfillment in witnessing the emotional and spiritual development that is taking place in my life by facing my monsters.

Through this process, I have concluded that all of our thoughts, choices and actions stem from two general emotions—-fear or love. Those that stem from fear generally hold us captive in patterns and situations that we generally deem negative while those that stem from love typically allow us to feel emotions that we consider positive. Either emotion can be healthy to a certain extent; however, too much of either can be to great detriment.

It is imperative as the masters of our own destiny to determine the source behind our emotions and to determine whether those patterns are propelling us in the direction we wish for our lives to go or if their impairing us and holding us hostage in unsatisfactory circumstances.

Having said all of that, I challenge each reader of these words to unearth, face and slay their Jabberwocky.

What in this life is standing between you and you living your Truth? What are you afraid of? Whether it’s not having the approval of others, having to be independent for the first time, losing weight, or taking a major risk of any kind—-whatever it may be, you must first identify what it is that is keeping you from catapulting yourself closer to your goals and becoming the person you wish to be. Figure it out and reach for your sword. With sword in hand and motivation in heart, we can begin together to determine the best way to slay your Jabberwocky.



Janell A. Morgan, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C is a Psychotherapist/Life Coach/Mom/Aspiring Zen Goddess/Fitness Fanatic/Squeaky Clean Eater/Sister/Daughter/Lover/Friend who is passionate about helping others to reach their most amazing potential.  Janell operates a private practice in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area.   Janell is soliciting readers who wish for her to respond to their most burning questions about life, love, spirituality and relationships.