Poisonous People

I liken life to be much like a bountiful buffet.  My favorite part of any buffet is the dessert bar (although my dedication to clean eating forbids me from routinely partaking in such delights).  A dessert bar is usually full of decadent treats like rich fudge brownies, German chocolate and pineapple upside down cakes, pies and cobblers, tarts, fresh fruit salads, parfaits, creamy cheesecakes (my personal favorite) and fluffy tiramisu.  Just imagine yourself standing in front of that dessert bar facing all of those mouth-watering choices.  Mmmmmmm.......which would you choose?  Now, imagine yourself having chosen your favorite dessert and taking the little plate off the buffet and walking to your dinner table.  You sit down ready to dive in, but just before you do, take that same delicious dessert and sprinkle a healthy portion of rat poisoning all over it.  Take your fork, and dig in. With each bite, you are slowly making yourself sicker and sicker.  From an emotional standpoint, this is the exactly what happens when we spend time with poisonous people.  Yes, in general, these are people we love, respect or care a great deal for, but with every interaction with these individuals, we begin to feel less and less like who we truly are, walking away from each interaction feeling emotionally exhausted and depleted.  In real life, our buffet of poisonous people is chock full of blamers and shamers, critics, gossipers and haters.  But just as we have the power to choose our decadent desserts, we also have the same ability to choose how we interact with these people who can be so detrimental to our emotional health. 

Is my relationship toxic?

Have you ever wondered if you're in a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship?  Wonder no more.  Here are a few clues to determining whether you’re involved in a poisonous partnership:

·       If you feel completely humiliated, embarrassed or disrespected when you're with a certain person or people.

·       You walk away from a conversation or interaction with a person completely exhausted and drained.  

·       You don’t feel like you are truly accepted for who you are when you’re with this person.

·       You feel you have to “walk on eggshells” when you communicate with this person.

·       You have found yourself having to take a deep, cleansing breath or give yourself a pep talk before seeing this person or answering their phone calls.

·       Just the thought of interacting with this person makes you cringe, feel sad, tired, annoyed or angry.

·       You just want to avoid this person altogether. 

If anyone came to mind as you read those clues, 1.) I'd hate to be them, and 2.) more than likely the person you're spending time with is a poisonous person and undoubtedly the relationship you have with them is toxic.  Oh, but never to worry, you're not alone.  Just about everyone has or has had a person like this in their life.  Poisonous people play a variety of roles and they can show up as friends, colleagues, significant others and even our own family members.  Believe it or not, there are healthy and effective ways of dealing with these sorts of personalities.  

Friend or Foe?

It’s always time to re-examine friendships when you may feel there is an imbalance with regard to the level of exchange in the relationship.  Whether the friendship is plutonic or romantic in nature, it is never healthy to feel that you’re giving more than you’re receiving.  Moreover, if the relationship causes you to feel insulted or depleted in any way, it’s even more important to determine whether this relationship is worth staying in.  For example, if your friend talks more about his/her life than he/she listens to your issues, he/she interrupts you to share more about him/herself, he/she is not accessible when you need to vent yet you’re always there for him/her, or if he/she puts you down, calls you names, compares you to others or even how you used to be, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship.  Friendships can be assets in life, but more important than the physical presence of a “friend” is the feeling derived from the friendship.  Defining what a true friend is and comparing your friend’s characteristics to that ideal can be an enlightening means of determining whether a friendship or intimate relationship is worth continuing.

Family Fiend

One of the most difficult types of poisonous people to grapple with is the poisonous family member.  These relationships are especially challenging because as a general rule, it is not as feasible to detach from relatives as it is with people with whom there is no familial bond.  Unlike friends or significant others, relatives are not people we have consciously chosen to have in our lives (although, I can pretty much guarantee we've all had a moment wherein we’ve wished we could’ve had our pick) and therefore, being forced to cope with the difficult personality of a family member is far more challenging because one often feels obligated to make these relationships work under all circumstances.  Family members can often be the most poisonous people of all in our lives because they are generally with us from the beginning.  They’re often the ones by which we most want to be accepted and they’re the ones who assist in the shaping of our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and others.  Because family members know your history, they may make statements in attempt to keep you tied to the person they know.  Statements like, “you always have been…” or “you’ll never do that like your brother/sister/cousin, etc.” when you’re putting forth effort to become who/what you want to be can be defeating if you allow it.  If you find that when you spend time with these family members you’re feeling any of the symptoms of a toxic relationship, it may be time to examine this relationship and whether your approach to your interactions with this person is healthy.   

Ready to detox?

Once you come to the realization that your relationship with someone is toxic, you’re faced with the challenge of deciding whether the relationship is worth working through or if it’s time to call it quits.  When making the decision to detox, keep in mind that you have been tied to this person for a reason and it may take you some time to detach and heal from the trauma endured throughout this relationship.  Ask yourself, " Do I feel like I want to fix it or nix it?"  If you decide the relationship is worth fixing, then you’ll have to approach this person from a solution-oriented stance.  You must first accept and understand that this person treated you this way because you allowed them to do so without consequence and be committed to leaving the emotional hurts in the past and begin to redefine the way you want your relationship to feel moving forward.  This part may require the help of a professional counselor, therapist or life coach to fully understand your pattern of behavior and your past choice to accept what you deem unacceptable.  Next, identify how you want to feel when you’re with this person and based on this answer, determine what behaviors you both must engage in in order to allow this feeling to be ignited.  Communicate with this person openly and honestly indicating how you felt in the past, what behaviors they formerly exhibited and what behaviors you feel will be necessary for them to engage in in order for you to feel emotionally safe with them. Consistent, open communication is truly the only way to successfully heal any fractured relationship. 

If you choose to nix it, be fully committed to that choice.  It is never a good idea to have one foot in the door and the other foot out.  This sort of stance is confusing not only for you, but also for the poisonous partner, and it leaves the door wide open for you to be hurt again.  Would you leave the front door to your house open for a known burglar to come in?  If you answered yes to that question, there are some concerns existing that this article will never be able to address.  Most folks would surely answer no.  Leaving your emotional doors open to people who have caused you pain once you have decided you no longer want this sort of unhealthy tie, is license to allow them to perpetrate again and again.  If the choice is to nix it, let the relationship go, mentally picture yourself sticking one of those lime green Mr. Yuck stickers on the person as you send them packing and move forward open to accepting new, healthy and edifying relationships in your life.  Define what a healthy relationship is and commit to only engaging in what you’ve defined as healthy.  When it comes to detoxing from familial ties, open communication about your feelings is also key, but as much as possible, limit your interaction with your poisonous relatives or if you have to be around them, shift the topic of discussion to something that is more acceptable for you to discuss.  Make it clear by refusing to engage in negative conversation that their behavior is not something you will continue to tolerate.  Your response to the undesired behavior is the key to shifting it in the right direction.

Recognizing when you’re in a toxic relationship is not always easy.  It is important in any relationship to always check in with yourself to determine if you’re still present as who you want to be which, at times, can be very different from who you’re accustomed to being.  Performing these periodic check-ins helps to make us aware and motivates us to take action when relationships begin to become unhealthy for us.  When it comes to the relationships we’re in, we must remember that choosing people to keep close to us also means that we are choosing outcomes.  What types of people are you choosing to share your life with, those that will help you to sink or those that will help you to soar?   Choose wisely and accept from others only what is acceptable for you.  Take your emotions into your own hands and treat them like gold.  It is your responsibility to teach others how you want to be treated.  The way that others treat you is a direct reflection of the way you treat yourself.

 

If you or someone you know needs help with a relationship, contact a friend or family member you trust, a clergyman, a counselor, or call your local hospital or mental health center.  If you are in imminent danger, help is available at The National Domestic Violence Hotline, (800) 799-SAFE, where someone can put you in touch with safe housing and other resources or by dialing 911 or visiting your local emergency room.

Be safe, Starlights!

Twinkle & Beam!
J*